random ruminations

a picture is worth a thousand words, so you should be satisfied....

2005-12-01T08:05:00.000-08:00

a letter to my fans

2005-12-01T07:54:00.000-08:00

several of you have expressed your dissatisfaction with my lack of posts this quarter. it's not that i have nothing to say, but too much. sometimes emotions can't be expressed in words, or shouldn't be expressed on the internet. when i've had a chance to process and i'm no longer living in a community where i would rather spend time with people than alone composing blogs, then you might get more details. for now, you'll just have to see me in person to get the low down.

we did it!

2005-09-19T07:32:00.000-07:00

1:46.33

2005-09-19T07:30:00.000-07:00

that's how my journey ended. it began three months ago as a decision to run a half marathon. i'd just broken up with my boyfriend and was determined to spend my summer enjoying my freedom, taking care of myself, abiding in the Lord, and nurturing my friendships. i never thought of myself as much of a runner. i did it because it was good exercise, never because it was my passion. but, as i began to train for the race, i discovered a joy in my time alone with the Lord, enjoying creation, challenging the body He gave me, and praising Him for His abundant provision.

saturday, my best friend and i completed the heartbreak ridge half marathon at camp pendleton. it was an unforgettable experience and a personal triumph. now i see it as one of many steps in my journey. up next, a marathon and triathlon in 2006. i hope to continue to run with perseverance the race marked out for me.

somewhere inbetween

2005-09-11T13:24:00.000-07:00

in three months i am leaving. leaving my church. leaving my school. leaving my job. leaving my neighbors. leaving my small group. leaving los angeles.

leaving the life i've known for seven years.

but right now i am still here.

what does this mean?

i've invested in so many lives. it is hard knowing that many of these relationships are only for a season that is changing. on one hand, i want to make the most of every opportunity i have with the people in my life while i am here. on the other hand, i know that deepening my relationships will only make the seperation more painful.

lifehouse

2005-09-11T07:03:00.000-07:00

"i never thought i'd end up here, never thought i'd be standing where i am"

2005-09-10T23:34:00.000-07:00

lighthouse rocks. their voices and lyrics melt my heart and i've always wanted to see them live. tonight i met my favorite family (besides my own, of course) at the L.A. county fair to see them in concert. we had, which i considered to be, pretty good seats in the grandstands for $15. one song into the concert, however, an usher came up to our party and offered us wristbands that got us onto the floor level because they hadn't sold all of the seats. we ended up right in the front row, just feet from the band! we danced and sang at the top of our lungs and cheered and jumped up and down and praised the Lord (and admired His handiwork in the lead singer).

"could you tell me how could it be any better than this?"

i can't believe i get paid for this

2005-08-09T21:34:00.000-07:00

home

2005-08-08T20:51:00.000-07:00

i remember the first time i referred to southern california as "home." it was my freshman of college and i was in sacramento visiting my family for thanksgiving. although we didn't discuss it, i know that my parents and i both noticed the word slip from my mouth. those four letters were full of meaning. i was building friendships and a sense of community in los angeles, while severing connections to sacramento.

i remained close to my family throughout my years at ucla, but not to my hometown. as i got to know l.a, the city became my own. i discovered where to park for free in westwood (above hollywood video), where to get candy samples for 10 cents (ralphs), which penguins sells the best fro yo (the one on westwood boulevard-- you'd think they'd all be the same, but that's not the case), which movie theater offers the greatest student discounts (century city), and where to get an oil change with a free car wash (on the sep). most importantly, i found a church where i connected with other believers in authentic relationships and felt completely free to worship for the first time in my life.

my experiences in southern california spread out from ucla to the san bernardino mountains, (i got to know the 10 freeway quite well), and from there to pasadena (now i'm an expert of the 210--don't drive too fast east of pomona!). i have friends who live from san diego to bakersfield and from redondo beach to yucaipa. i know the families in my neighborhood and all the local places to to go. until recently, this was home. i missed my family, but i thought that if i was going to live close to them, they would have to move down south.

in the last few months, all of this changed. in the past when i was in sacramento for a visit, my dad would mention--partially joking, but also with a hint of hope-- that i could always move back to sacramento and get my teaching credential. to me, the suggestion was not even an option; that is, until the last time i was up there. this time when he made the same offer, i took him up on it.

i'd become homesick not only for my family, which was an ache that never went away, but for my hometown as well. i realized how much i missed the changing seasons, (even though i complain that it's too hot in the summer and too cold in the winter) the beauty of the american river bike trail, the open spaces, the family-friendly atmosphere, and the opportunities to explore the bay area and lake tahoe on day trips. i had to go back.

i have become a visitor in southern california, feeling like i am enjoying the rest of my vacation before it is time to return home. i had a tinge of melancholy recently at a party, surrounded by amazing friends who i know i have to leave behind. i realized, however, that even if i stayed here, the people would change. fuller is a transitional community. within a few years, most people will have moved on. i long to be in a stable place where i can put down roots.

i don't know anyone in sacramento besides my family. because it's been seven years since i've lived there, i will have to learn the local secrets. what is the best coffee shop for studying? which thrift stores have the best deals? where do local bands play? what restaurants have happy hour? where can you get good frozen yogurt? i know it will take time to find a church community and develop intimate relationships. it will be a hard transition, but i am looking forward to the investment. ultimately, my home is with the Lord; for now i know he is leading me back to sacramento.

delicious dilemma

2005-08-06T19:28:00.000-07:00

animal cookie or rootbeer float? 21 choices had two of my favorites tonight. they don't really go together, so i had to pick one. life is hard.

running with perseverance

2005-08-01T21:24:00.000-07:00

"do not pray for easy lives. pray to be stronger! do not pray for tasks equal to your powers. pray for powers equal to your tasks."

phillip brooks

the Lord has given me power to accomplish his will and has blessed me more abundantly than i could have imagined. He is enabling me to run with perseverance, both literally and figuratively. by His strength, i am getting stronger.

2005-05-23T09:08:00.000-07:00

i think marian and tre are out there somewhere

2005-05-23T09:06:00.000-07:00

tre and michelle at the flood line in 1997

2005-05-23T09:03:00.000-07:00

He makes springs pour water into the ravines; it flows between the mountains...
He waters the mountains from his upper chambers; the earth is satisfied by the fruit of His work...
May the glory of the Lord endure forever; may the LORD rejoice in his works--
he who looks at the earth, and it trembles, who touches the mountains, and they smoke.
I will sing to the LORD all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.

crash

2005-05-07T22:39:00.000-07:00

"i think we miss that touch so much that we crash into one another just to feel something."

everyone should see this movie.

the pain and promise of sharpening

2005-04-15T07:39:00.000-07:00

"you use steal to sharpen steal, and one friend sharpens another" proverbs 27:17 msg

having a boyfriend has taught me so many things, some superficial and silly, others soul searching. by some mystery of the Holy Spirit, i can see my own character reflected more clearly as i relate to richie. i don't always like what i see--selfishness, pride, impatience, reluctance to forgive, jealousy--the cesspool of my own soul.

this week i learned the pain and promise of sharpening.

two stories to illustrate (richie- please correct the details if i am missrepresenting anything):

last week i mentioned to richie that i would like to incorporate more scripture into our lives as a couple. i would like to say that my motives were purely based on fostering a more godly relationship, but i was also feeling guilty about my own lack of quality time in prayer and reflection. richie interpreted my request as an attack on his performance as a spiritual leader. a discussion ensued. i explained my desire to have God's truth straight from scripture in my heart each day. richie offered his perspective that we can experience the presence of God in our everyday activities. he shared that he approaches his classes and course reading as a devotion and is reluctant to limit God to a "quiet time." although during the conversation we both felt the sting of our spirituality being criticized, it opened up our hearts to experience God more fully. since our discussion, i have practiced an awareness of God's constant presence more intentionally and richie has consistently been bringing God's word into our lives.

this week richie switched on the t.v. to a televangelist telling his listeners to yield to God's financial blessings. richie and i are currently taking a class together on incarnation and mission to the world's urban poor, so we are both especially sensitive to issues of wealth and poverty. the televangelist's message sickened me and i wanted richie to turn it off immediately. he explained to me the value of knowing how others distort the truth so that we can be prepared to counter with the Truth. he reminded me that the power and discernment of the Holy Spirit protects me from Satan's lies so i should not fear of being corrupted. he was right. i had adamantly rebelled against watching the program, but i had to surrender my pride and admit that i was wrong. there are valuable lessons in other people's perspectives.

sharpening is painful, but keeps us from getting dull.

2005-02-25T19:51:00.000-08:00

where the streets have no name

Jehova saves

2005-02-25T19:23:00.000-08:00

dr. seuss trees

faithfully paying fees

deserted campgrounds

ferdies and bellas darting around

cuddling in the cab of a pickup truck

trying to capture the moment without luck

the sun rising in the east, the moon to the west

u2 providing the soundtrack for our clandestine quest

in the heart of a desert where the streets have no name

where the trees and our future share a title that’s the same

joshua

perfection in imperfection

2005-02-14T09:36:00.000-08:00

scars
perfection
tears of infinity
perfection
wilted lilies
perfection
488 days
perfection
an incomplete puzzle
perfection
wrong turns
perfection
insecurities
perfection
two imperfect people
one perfect Lord
perfection

how falling in love has changed my life

2005-01-28T13:44:00.000-08:00

my bedtime creeps earlier into the morning hours each night
my cell phone bill is outrageous
i work out more
romantic comedies make me cry for different reasons
i skip
frank sinatra sings my heart
i buy teenage mutant ninja turtles and silly putty
i compose poetry in my mind instead of studying
i brush my teeth quite frequently
i text message in class and in church
the sweet scent of flowers regularly fills my apartment
i have someone else to consider when i make plans
i write more
i laugh a lot
i doodle my name with his

i am the luckiest

2005-01-14T08:14:00.000-08:00

i don't get many things right the first time
in fact, i'm told that a lot
now i know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
brought me here

now where was i the day before the day
that i first saw your lovely face?
now i see it every day
and i know

that i am
i am
i am
the luckiest

what if i'd been born fifty years before you
in a house on the street where you live
maybe i'd be outside as you passed on your bike
would i know?

and in a white sea of eyes
i'd see one pair that i recognize
and i know

that i am
i am
i am
the luckiest

i love you more than i have ever found a way to say to you

next door there's a man who lived to his nineties
and one day passed away in his sleep
and his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
and passed away

i'm sorry, i know that's a strange way to tell you that i know
we belong
i know

that i am
i am
i am
the luckiest

will you go out without knowing?

2005-01-11T16:18:00.000-08:00

"God does not tell you what He is going to do; He reveals to you Who He is."

Oswald Chambers

from the wittenburg door

2005-01-02T07:59:00.000-08:00

Dear President Bush,

Thanks for doing all you can to defend God's Law. I understand and agree with your proposed constitutional amendment to ban same sex marriage. Whenever one of these unbelievers tries to defend "his" or "her" homosexual lifestyle to me, I simply remind them that The Book of Leviticus brands it an abomination. God said it. I believe it. And that's it. End of conversation.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding a few other elements of God's Law: ·

Leviticus says I can possess slaves, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. I don't understand. Why can't I own Canadians?·

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus. Considering her like-new condition, what do you think would be a fair asking price?·

I know that I am not allowed contact with a woman who is menstruating because she is ceremonially unclean. The problem is how do I know if she is or isn't? Most women are offended when I ask.·

When I burn a sacrificial bull on our family altar, I know it creates an odor pleasing to the Lord, but my neighbors say it is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?·

I have a neighbor who, in spite of the death penalty prescribed in Exodus, insists on working on the Sabbath. Am I obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?·

I know Leviticus says that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but can I play football if I wear wool gloves?·

My aunt wears garments made of two kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). She also curses a lot. Do we really have to get the whole town together to stone her? Couldn't we just burn her to death at a private family affair?

Mr. President, I know you have studied Torah extensively and possess considerable expertise in these weightier matters of the law, so I am confident you can help me. And thanks again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

(from the Wittenburg Door, a Christian satire magazine)

what happened to the Christ of CHRISTmas?

2004-12-25T23:29:00.000-08:00

the gift of God's son tends to get so lost in the other gifts of christmas. in the midst of shopping for loved ones on our lists and preparing the perfect meals, we forget why we do all this giving. instead of bringing the world closer to Christ, the bustle of christmas has become another distraction that draws people away from the reflection that demands a decision. politically correct commercialism took the Christ out of CHRISTmas and left us with "happy holidays." Jesus has become just another of the various characters that appear this time of year, like snowmen and santa, only he's not as colorful or popular. i pray that this year we would honor Christ with the best birthday present-- our undivided hearts.

blessings

2004-12-19T13:21:00.000-08:00

i've gotten so used to hearing God answer my prayers with "wait" that "yes" is something i am grappling with. why is it that i have such trouble accepting that God would love me enough to bless me so abundantly? i feel so undeserving of the relationships in my life right now. i am receiving all that i have been praying for and am experiencing the Lord's faithfulness in a new way. i need God's help to live in the moment and enjoy His blessings as they come.

the unexpected

2004-12-14T11:32:00.000-08:00

i thought it was supposed to be cold at christmas time. it is in the 80s.

i thought i was going to go see christmas lights with some friends last night. instead of looking at homes decked out in green and red, we spontaneously decided to drive two hours into the desert, in the middle of the night, to watch a meteor shower. it was the ultimate christmas light display and a much better reminder of what this season is really about than illuminated elves and reindeer.

i thought Christian guys were too timid to ask out girls and be authentic. i am getting to know one who isn't. it's pretty cool.

i am glad that my expectations are wrong sometimes.

2004-11-30T09:19:00.000-08:00

t.j.'s not so merry and bright idea

bah humbug

2004-11-30T08:01:00.000-08:00

i generally do my grocery shopping at trader joes. the place rocks... good selection, good prices, friendly checkers, short lines. yesterday, however, i must say that i was quite disappointed with my t.j.'s. they have these new paper grocery bags that say "happy holidays" and have a chaming little grove of trees on the front, supposedly to spread the joy of Christmas. initially i was blessed by the holiday cheer. blessed, that is until i proceeded to take my groceries out of my cart and carry them to my car. despite the double-baggage, i made it two steps before the straps broke and i lost the contents of one of the bags. the bag was on the heavy side, so i reasoned it must have just been overpacked. nope. by the time i got my groceries up to my apartment, all three of my double-bags of groceries had tumbled to the ground at least once and i had to leave some of the contents on the side walk and come back later to retrieve them. that was enough of a nusance in itself, but it got worse. i opened up my carton of eggs to make some brownies and discovered that half of them were broken, and not the kind of broken that you can use to make scrambled eggs, the kind of broken when you can't salvage the egg because all its little shell pieces have penetrated the yoke. so much for christmas cheer.

sloths are missing out

2004-11-17T16:14:00.000-08:00

earth's crammed with heaven,
and every common bush afire with God;
and only he who sees takes off his shoes;
the rest sit round it and pluck blackberries.

elizabeth barrett browning

it's that time of year

2004-11-15T08:21:00.000-08:00

things that i am thankful for (besides Jesus, family and friends, which are pretty rad, too and related to all this)...

campfires
puffy white clouds
stars
mornings like today when the crevasses of the mountains are so sharply defined that they seem within reach
singing praise to God with a guitar
21 Choices
hugs and snuggles
the gift of an education
climbing in a cozy bed after a long day
bubble baths
forgiveness, freedom, grace, and love
singing to the music in a car full of friends
the path my life has taken
sunrises and sunsets
health
the sea
small children
smores
the safety of crying in the arms of a good friend
sleeping in after staying up late
back rubs

humbled

2004-11-10T19:48:00.000-08:00

tonight God revealed something to me that seems so obvious now that i feel stupid for not seeing it sooner. the i-should-have-known-sooner topic of the night was self-criticism. i tend to view myself and speak about myself rather negatively. i have noticed this before, but thought it was a humble thing to do, and therefore ok. i was wrong. i would never tell another person that what they made was ugly, yet that is what i have been telling God. by speaking negatively about myself--my looks and personality--i've really been insulting God's workmanship. i am also accusing him of lying because he says that i am wonderfully made. humility is having a realistic view about oneself. it is not devaluing what God values.

2004-10-22T08:32:00.000-07:00

howdy

theology, kid style

2004-10-20T18:38:00.000-07:00

Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter.
There is nothing good in there now.
Amanda

Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was
a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
Joyce

Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to
come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.
Janet

Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told you?
Charlene

Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody
in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can
never do it.
Nancy

Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them.
You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too.
Glenn

Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he was a little
boy. How far back do you go?
Love, Dennis

Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries? If you
don't, who does?
Nathan

Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it
an accident?
Norma

Dear God, in bible times, did they really talk that fancy?
Jennifer

Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp
this year.
Peter

Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much
if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my
brother.
Ilene

Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet.
What's up? Don't forget.
Mark

Dear God, my brother told me about how you are born but it just
doesn't sound right. What do you say?
Marsha

Dear God, if you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new
shoes.
Barbara

Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know
him through the business?
Donny

Dear God, it is great the way you always get the stars in the
right place. Why can't you do that with the moon?
Jeff

Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the
sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool.
Thomas

interpretation does not imply misinterpretation

2004-10-19T19:50:00.000-07:00

lately i've been wondering if i am grounding my whole life and spending a bunch of money to be educated about a work of fiction. a scary thought indeed. despite my doubts about the Bible, God is faithful. He knew just what i needed to hear and when. today in class my professor spoke to this very issue and relieved some of my anxiety. she gave this great european vacation illustration... a family takes lots of photos on a trip, but they don't include them all in the photo album. also, each member will choose to arrange the photos differently. some will prefer to place them in chronological order, others categorically, and still others in order of importance. the vacation they are describing is the same, but everyone who was on the trip will have a different way of telling the story through the photos. similarly, the Bible is an account of events, not the events themselves. all accounts involve interpretation. it is possible that the facts are incorrect but that does not mean the account is invalid.

not so much

2004-10-12T23:24:00.000-07:00

"you have all of God that you want right now"

enlightening. convicting. i say that i want God, but do i really? sometimes the answer is no. God takes time that i don't want to give. He says things that i don't want to hear. so i keep busy. i fill my life with other people. other noise. then i wonder where He is.

He is here. where am i? it's not Him. it's me.

larry crabb says

2004-10-10T17:09:00.000-07:00

"if we are not confused about anything it's likely we're grasping the truth about nothing important".... whew. i must be grasping the truth about something important.

2004-10-07T20:21:00.000-07:00

adam

the wisdom of oswald chambers

2004-09-30T07:30:00.000-07:00

"if we are ever going to be made into wine, we will have to be crushed; you cannot drink grapes. grapes become wine only when they have been squeezed."

someday

2004-09-29T09:04:00.000-07:00

waiting

to hold you
gently
explore
your complexities
enter into
your depths
discover
your wisdom
dare you
to grow
wander
through life
beside you
giggling
singing
playing
together
forever
together

oriented to what?

2004-09-26T01:47:00.000-07:00

this week i've had the opportunity to meet a great deal of new fuller students. their excitement and passion to serve the Lord was refreshing to me after the spiritual dryness i experienced on our campus this past year. i suppose i had utopian expectations of fuller, but i was disappointed with the lack of godliness in relationships and the absense of worship and grace in our everyday lives as a community. orientation week is filled with times of fellowship and worship, which put God at the center of our educational community, but once the theological and academic challenges of classes begin, the focus seems to shift. i pray that this year the spiritual passion evident in the new class will carry on throughout the school year. in the midst of the demands of student life, i pray that we will not substitute knowing about God for knowing God. i pray for a campus that glows with the love of Christ. i pray that our songs of praise and thanksgiving would be so loud and alive that people from the streets will hear and be drawn to discover what our joy is all about. i pray that the citizens of pasadena will know of fuller seminary because of its life-giving impact on the community. i pray that students will share their burdens in authentic relationships and regularly lift one another up in prayer. i pray that our community will be centered on the living Christ and will come alongside Him as He works in the world. i pray that our educations will be put into action. i pray that the fuller community will be oriented to Jesus Christ.

lessons

2004-09-25T01:55:00.000-07:00

things i have learned this summer:

what "I am the vine and you are the branches" is all about
God is not dead
i am not too tall or too short, too old or too young, too quiet or too crazy for the man and purpose God has for me
lacy park is free on weekdays and a good spot to ruminate
L.A. beaches close at 1am, but cops are pretty lenient
when picking someone up at the airport, it is more efficient for the driver to arrive later than the passenger at the rendezvous location
bring a sweater because it gets cold when the sun goes down
decoupage is fun
waiting is not fun, but it is generally wise and worth it
there are hidden mickey mice all over disneyland
between sacramento and pasadena there is a jack in the box at approximately every third exit
take walnut, not colorado
take the 57, not the 605
if you already have two outs, you can keep hitting foul balls forever